*A group of friends is gathered in a living room. The mood is solemn, but there’s a sense of playfulness in the air. A large picture of SIMON COWELL is placed in the center of a coffee table.*
**CHARACTERS:**
– **JENNY** (Leader of the group, earnest)
– **MIKE** (The jokester)
– **KATE** (Sarcastic, witty)
– **TOM** (The clueless one)
– **SARAH** (Overly dramatic)
—
**JENNY**
(*raising hands*)
Friends, we have gathered here today to send our thoughts and prayers to a man who has touched all our lives—
(*beat*)
—whether we liked it or not.
**MIKE**
(*snickering*)
Yeah, more like touched our nerves.
**KATE**
(*sarcastic*)
A man so famous for saying, “That was absolutely dreadful,” that we now hear it in our sleep.
**JENNY**
(*nodding, serious*)
Yes, but deep down…we know Simon Cowell needs our prayers. He’s been through a lot. He’s judged us all. It’s time we judge him… kindly. (*closes eyes*)
Let us pray.
**MIKE**
(*peeking*)
Are we sure he needs prayers? He seems to be doing pretty well for himself.
**SARAH**
(*dramatically*)
It’s not about money, Mike! It’s about his *soul*. Have you seen those harsh critiques? His heart must be as cold as a platinum record!
**JENNY**
(*quieting them down*)
Focus, everyone. Eyes closed. Hands together.
*They all join hands.*
**JENNY**
Dear Simon Cowell, we come together today to pray for your continued success—
(*pause*)
— and your fashion sense.
**KATE**
(*interrupting*)
Yeah, about that. Lord, please guide Simon away from those black v-neck t-shirts. He’s got a billion dollars. Let him wear *something else* for once.
**TOM**
(*confused*)
Wait, what’s wrong with the black t-shirts?
**SARAH**
(*whispering to Tom*)
He’s worn them every day since 2004.
**TOM**
(*genuinely impressed*)
That’s commitment.
**JENNY**
(*clearing throat*)
And please, grant him the wisdom to offer constructive feedback, not just soul-crushing insults.
**MIKE**
(*smirking*)
Yeah, maybe something like, “You sound terrible, but I respect your effort!”
**KATE**
(*dry*)
Or, “You’ve got potential… somewhere.”
**JENNY**
(*continuing*)
And finally, we ask that Simon finds joy in the simple things. Like a smile. Or maybe even—*laughing*—a compliment.
**SARAH**
(*eyes still closed, passionately*)
Yes, Lord, fill his heart with warmth! So that one day, just one day, he may tell a contestant, “You’re not bad!” (*tears up*)
**MIKE**
(*whispering to Jenny*)
Should we pray for his Botox, too? Just asking.
**JENNY**
(*suppressing a laugh*)
Let’s stick to the essentials, Mike.
(*solemnly*)
And so, in conclusion, Simon, may your future be filled with better outfits, softer words, and maybe—just maybe—a little love for humanity.
**TOM**
(*serious, eyes closed*)
And Lord, give him a new catchphrase. We’re getting tired of “It was terrible.”
**ALL**
(*in unison*)
Amen.
—
*They all open their eyes and look at the picture of Simon on the table.*
**MIKE**
(*leaning back*)
So, what do you think? Did we save his soul, or is he still doomed to roast every poor singer on TV?
**KATE**
(*shrugging*)
Probably still doomed. But hey, at least we tried.
**SARAH**
(*sniffling*)
I believe in him.
**TOM**
(*genuinely*)
He’s still a legend, though.
**JENNY**
(*nodding*)
Legend or not, let’s hope he gets a little more… gentle. Now, who’s up for some snacks?
—
*They all laugh and get up, moving away from the coffee table as the camera zooms in on Simon’s picture.*
